My RAD Kid

Today at my weekly therapy appointment I came to a realization. I really care too much about what other people think. I have had this realization before, but again I see that I have more work to do.

I realize now that I must ignore the ignorant. These ignorant people pose as friends and family with well-intentioned advice for how I should parent my children. I can’t tell you how many times I have heard, “If my kid did that to me, I would kick their butt.” or “You just need to give her some tough love, etc” Not only are these comments hurtful, they make me doubt in my own abilities. I begin to worry that I am a bad parent. Then I take a deep breath and remember that my child is different. A spanking or tough love will not change the behavior. In fact, it will likely make the behavior worse. Children with RAD are programmed that the world is not a safe place and “parents” are not to be trusted. Engaging in tough love practices will only reinforce those feelings.

I am not saying that RAD children should be allowed to run wild without consequences. I am saying that typical parenting techniques will not work to establish trust and attachment. Children with RAD look at themselves as unlovable. “Normal” children don’t question their parents’ love, they know they are loved and do not question. When a “normal” child misbehaves and is disciplined, he/she doesn’t relate the discipline to being loved or not. A RAD child sees all interactions with a caregiver as a reflection of the relationship. So, if a parent yells or is unkind the child will question if the caregiver still loves them. They begin to question their worthiness. The RAD child doesn’t have the trust that their parents will always love them. Being harsh or unkind can undo weeks, months or maybe years of attachment building. A parent of a RAD child must be loving and kind in ALL interactions.

The ignorant people in our lives do not understand. They think if we respond with a soft voice or a loving guidance that we aren’t being “tough” enough. We are allowing our children to “walk all over us.” On the contrary, I tell them that I am putting the relationship first. I would rather my child know she is loved unconditionally than be on perfect behavior all the time. I will react calmly and lovingly. If I can’t, I will walk away because I know that in the long run I will be doing what is best for her. So next time I see those disapproving glares or have to listen to someone describe what I am doing wrong, I will remember that these people do not understand. They are ignorant to her individual needs, and I will choose to ignore them.

On a side note, if you are one of the advice givers, I have some advice for you. Parents who have children with RAD are stressed out. They are frustrated and if they appear to be “bad parents” it is only because they deal with difficulties you cannot imagine. Try to bag the advice and offer support. Tell them that they are doing a good job and that you know they are making good choices. Maybe even offer to watch their children for a day to give them a much needed break. Put away your judgements and just be there.

This site was created to offer information and support to people who have children diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD).  The intent is to bring hope, information and a deeper understanding for people who deal with this disorder.  The children who suffer from this disorder are difficult to understand and cope with, which brings a lot of frustration and heartache for their caregivers. As a parent of children with this disorder, I want to share my knowledge, my successes and my failures.