My RAD Kid

In dealing with the daily struggles of my life, I am so immensely blown away with gratitude for the people around me who I find support in. These people are my friends and family who are compassionate and a strong shoulder to laugh or cry with. I realize that I would not be the strong parent and person that I am now without their support.

Support is one of the most important things a parent of a RAD child needs. I use the word need in the most honest sense of the word. This is not something that can just be overlooked, it is a necessity. Without the support of strong adults around me there is no way I could deal with the immense challenges that come with being a parent to these children. I also say that people need a support system, not just a support person. One person will get burned out if you rely on them all the time. Plus, one person is not going to be available 24/7. You need a long list to consult in times of crisis.

Support comes in different forms for me. First of all, I am lucky that my mom is close. I look to her as a mentor in many ways. Most of my other support persons have children who are younger than mine so it is difficult to talk about age appropriate behaviors and pre-pubescent activities. Although my mom didn’t deal with challenging children (well maybe me), she has the wisdom of a parent who has “done it all.” She has the knowledge that being a parent is a hard job and she lets me know that she is proud of me. She compliments me and listens when I complain.

My second support person is my best friend, Mattie. We have known each other for nearly 20 years. Mattie is the sister I never had. She knows me better than anyone else in the world. She knows my strengths and accepts my weaknesses. She is the one I pour out my soul to and she is strong where I am weak. She encourages me to do things better and to live a full life. We have a weekly “date” where we get together and just talk. I look forward to this time together all week long and when I miss it, I notice that I feel much more overwhelmed.

Third is my co-workers. I know that sounds a little silly, but I am a social worker and my co-workers offer professional opinions and understand the challenges that come with adopted children because we deal with these challenges every day. In particular I really admire Brooke. She provides me with laughter and we are able to take the most miserable and depressing situations and still find something to laugh about. You can visit her blog at http://plainadvice.com

Professional support is something that I will soon devote an entire post to. I depend on my weekly therapy session to boost me up to keep progressing forward.

Finally, my life wouldn’t be complete without the support of my wonderful husband. Like all couples we struggle sometimes, but overall he is my rock. I depend on him for so many things and he always seems to keep our heads above water. He will notice when I am ready to burst with frustration and will step in and save me. He is truly my saving grace at home.

These are only the “main” support people. I find support in many other people that it would take too much space to write about them all. If you are reading this and you aren’t mentioned by name, I apologize, but know that I value you in my life and I wouldn’t trade any of you for anything.

With my support system, I really try to only maintain the relationships that are reciprocal. Meaning that each of us has something to give and something to take from each other. I can’t be in a relationship where I am the only one giving. I already have something similar with my children and I can’t allow any other people to take more from me or I will have little left to give my children and they need it the most. Also I try to find people who share my interests and lifestyle. This way we aren’t always just complaining over a cup of coffee, we are having fun too.

I realize that these people are actually gifts to me. I also realize how lucky I truly am to have these relationships practically given to me on a silver platter. If you are struggling with a strong support system, here are a few options that may help.

• Find a support group. There are so many group sessions available through public and private avenues that there will be some group that will meet your specific needs.
• Take a class. There are parenting classes offered all the time through community centers or schools and it is likely that you will find someone that you relate to. If you don’t want to do parenting, take a hobby class through your community center. At least you will find someone who shares a hobby with you.
• Attend some sort of religious activity. Having a “higher power” has been a huge source of strength for me and I have the support of my fellow attendees as well.
• Find an internet forum. Sometimes we can share our deepest fears or problems easier with complete strangers. This is not something I would recommend as a single source of support. The internet is a great resource, but human beings need real interactions for optimal mental health. Don’t rely entirely on “invisible friends.”
• Do a strong self evaluation. Are you the person who is always sad or frustrated? Do you suck your friends dry? Are you being reciprocal with them? If you answered yes to any of these, you need to look for ways to help others and in turn you will find added support for your own problems. Who wants to hang with someone who is constantly complaining or unhappy? In this case, a strong professional relationship would be beneficial.
• Finally, find ways to laugh. Laughter truly is the best medicine and you will find that by simply laughing the world seems a little less gloomy.

“Life is like the car pool lane. the only way to get to your destination quickly is to take some people with you” -Peter Ward.

For those of you who are unaware, I suffer from Bi-polar disorder which basically means that I have extreme highs and lows. This disrupts my life occasionally and obviously my blog is suffering because of it. I can’t seem to be consistent. I have times when I am totally on fire and the ideas and content seem to stream with ease from my head through my fingers. Then other times I get so overwhelmed with other parts of my life that I can’t even function to prepare a meal, let alone get something posted on the blog. I apologize to my loyal readers for this lack of consistency.

However, I am learning from this experience and I would like to share my insight with you. I have realized that I am suffering from a pattern of behavior that I refer to as cyclical guilt. Let me describe the pattern of behavior to you. (See something similar at blog date 9/19/07 on http://plainadvice.com/) Basically, I get overwhelmed with guilt which will put me back on track with my life. So I immediately get a high point where I am the best social worker, the best mom, the best friend, etc. However these changes are only driven by guilt so the behavior is not long lasting and I will start slacking again. The slacking will eventually show up in the form of a dirty house, fend for yourself evenings, unreturned phone calls, etc. Then the guilt piles up and I feel like I am the worst person ever. I can’t achieve perfection and maintain it, so why even try? This is the lowest point. Then the guilt cycle starts all over again.

Basically what I am learning is that I need to find a place where I am on a consistent pattern of behavior. This pattern isn’t perfection, but it is better than the cycle I am on. Perfection is not maintainable and actually is only a misguided perception. I am hoping to find a middle ground where I don’t have to be perfect but I am also not a huge slacker. So again, I will apologize but at least now you are aware of the cycle and perhaps can afford me some forgiveness.

One of our loyal readers left a request for a more detailed explanation of the level system for behavior modification. This is the system I use in my own home, but it isn’t without its drawbacks. See “Effective Discipline” post for more information. It simply works for me and my family.

First off you will need to purchase a poster paper or some other type of whiteboard. I use a poster divided into three rows and three columns. The rows are numbered 1, 2 and 3. The first column has two pieces of small velcro on each row. This holds the the “strike tags.” (explained below). The next columns list the responisbilities and the rewards.

The strike tags are 2 inch pieces of laminated paper with each child’s picture on them and three boxes. There is a piece of velcro on the back so it can be attached to any of the levels. The three boxes represent the “strikes.” Basically three strikes and you move down a level.

Level 1: This is the lowest level. Here the responsibilities are just to exist in the home with the family. It represents a bad attitude, not keeping the house rules, etc. In return the “rewards” are early bedtime (one hour before level 3), no screen time, no friends and no allowance. Parents make all decisions related to the child’s life.

Level 2: At level two a child is doing o.k. but isn’t really being the best child. This is a child who requires more parent involvement than level 3 but less than level 1. They have to be reminded more than once to complete chores. They are coming to tattle-tale and parents are resolving their conflicts. They are keeping SOME houserules. In return, they receive 1/2 of their allowance, free time is parent’s choice, and an early bedtime (30 minutes before level 3).

Level 3: A level three child is doing excellent. They are only reminded once to complete tasks, they have happy and helpful attitudes, they are keeping all house rules, etc. In return they get to pick their own free time, they get a full allowance and a late bedtime.

The ultimate concept behind the level system is that the less I have to be a “police parent” the more freedom they get.

Moving up or down and strikes: When a child makes a bad decision they receive a strike. Since the poster and the strike tags are laminated, I have them use a wet erase marker to mark the strikes. After 3 strikes they have to move down a level. This lasts for at least 2 days. If they can live at that level without receiving additional strikes they can move up again. On Sunday, I reset the strikes to zero. However, if they are on a level 2 or 1 they cannot move up until they have completed the 2 days with no strikes.

Variations: I have seen variations of the level system using colors (red, yellow, and green). I have also seen some with multiple levels and no strikes. You can basically be as creative or extensive as you want. There is no right or wrong way to make it work.

I really like this system because it is a model for real life. As adults we are expected to live at certain responsibility levels. When we fail to be responsible, there are natural consequences for these decisions. No one is there to ensure responsible behavior with threats of grounding, spankings, time outs, etc. The level system provides a model for these natural consequences. However, my favorite part about the levels is there is less monitoring of consequences. For example, with a time out a parent has to make sure it happens by constant monitoring of the punishment. I hated watching my child sit on the naughty spot and waiting with them to complete the minutes. It was like a punishment for me too. A strike is short lived and takes less than 30 seconds to administer. A level drop may seem like grounding, but I don’t have to search for an appropriate time frame or what they are grounded from. It is all pre-arranged. Everyone knows what will happen when the level drops. I found with grounding I would react out of anger or frustration and I would make the punishment more severe than I really wanted to enforce. Maybe I am just a lazy parent, but my children don’t seem to be too out of control, so I guess it is working. If it stops working, I know I can find something new.

Thanks again to Kitty Mom for this request. I hope it was helpful.

Consistently I have heard people talk about discipline and what the “best” technique is. My opinion is the best discipline technique is one that you can do consistently. Consistency is the only way a discipline technique will be effective. You have to do it the same, 24/7. So I have summarized some of the discipline techniques I have used and what my opinion of the pros and cons are. I do not condone corporal punishment of any type.

Time outs

One of the most common forms of discipline. This is basically when a child does something wrong he/she is placed in a certain spot for a designated amount of time.

Pros- This is an easy discipline technique. You do not have to search for an appropriate consequence, just put them in a chair/naughty spot. It can be done anywhere at anytime if necessary. It is easy to explain the technique to substitute caregivers and maintain consistency with baby sitters, etc.

Cons- It can be time consuming to enforce the time-out if your child is strong willed. If the naughty spot is not in the same place as the parent, there is no way to know if it is being carried out correctly. (i.e go to your room) There is no logic attached to consequence. This technique is less effective with older children.

Reward

Reward programs vary, but essentially it is stickers or some other small token that a child earns with good behavior. Usually followed by a larger reward when they have done well over time.

Pros- Helps a child feel their positive behaviors are noticed. Rewards usually include child/parent bonding time (i.e shopping trips, movies, etc). Easy to incorporate and pass on to substitute caregivers. Effective with young and preteen children.

Cons- If not used correctly, can feel like a bribe. Requires constant monitoring to make sure the positive behaviors are being noticed. Children can get bored easily if rewards aren’t fun or changing. What do you do when negative behavior occurs?

***I recommend a short lived reward program for specific behavior modification. For example, if you want your child to complete tasks the first time they are asked. You would simply award a sticker or something each time the child does the right thing. Eventually it will become a habit and the program can stop.***

Level system

This is a program that focuses on responsibilities and privileges. Basically it can be numbered or colored. Each level represents expected behaviors and if these behaviors are done then certain privileges can be obtained. Good behavior=more privileges, bad behavior=more restrictions.

Pros- Easy to enforce without a power struggle. Once it is set up it is easy to continue with little effort. Logical and can be used for school-aged children through teenagers.

Cons- Requires extensive setup of level board and rules. Can be difficult to explain to substitute caregivers.

Grounding

Basically a removal of privileges based on a negative behavior choice. Removal of privileges can rage from hours to days and weeks.

Pros- Can be used for school-aged through teenagers. Logical consequences. Easy to pass on to substitute caregivers.

Cons- Needs constant monitoring to ensure consequences are enforced. Occasionally parents will state a punishment (in anger, without thinking)that can’t be completed without serious effects on the family.

Personally, I choose to use the level system. I feel it compliments my lifestyle. I am able to enforce consequences with little power struggle. You are either living at the level expected or you aren’t. I will admit it was a chore to get the whole thing set up, but it is worth it. I can reward good behavior with a level increase or vice versa. Whatever method you choose, the key is consistency. You have to make sure that you are enforcing consequences and rewards as applicable. Miss once and it is an honest mistake. Miss more than once and all of the sudden you are a parent that can be fooled. Children rely on you to tell them how to behave and to enforce appropriate boundaries. It makes them feel safe and secure. It will be worth it in the long run, I promise!

Recently I was approached by someone asking for my advice. They described a child they knew who was struggling with certain behaviors. They described behaviors that were typical of someone with attachment disorder. When I mentioned this, they were confused because typically it is children who are in foster care or are adopted who suffer from this disorder. I explained that attachment issues can happen to any child who may have experienced trauma and a lack of consistent care. It turned out that this child’s first year was filled with emotional trauma such as a parent recovering from surgery and extreme caregiver stress. I explained that some children are just more sensitive than others. My advice was to focus on the relationship and then see if there was a change. Regardless of the diagnosis, a focus on the relationship can only help a troubled child. If you are struggling with your child’s behavior my advice would be to make some small changes that can apply to ANY children, but are even more applicable to children with mental health issues.

• Decide to make your relationship with your child a top priority. When you are faced with a difficult situation, think about the relationship and what your actions will do to the relationship. Will it provide a close feeling or push you further apart?
• Take deep breaths. Learn how to lower your stress level/blood pressure through breathing. You can breathe ANYWHERE so it is an effective coping method.
• Maintain a consistent behavior modification program. The focus here is on CONSISTENCY! Whatever you do, do it well and always. Your child will learn clear expectations and consequences. I will focus more on this in a later blog.
• Learn the value of eye contact. Eyes truly are the best way to convey emotion. When you are angry, your eyes will show it. Practice showing love and caring with your eyes. Use a mirror if necessary. The message your eyes send will be more important than your words.
• Learn to care for yourself. A stressed caregiver will be no use for a child. Eat healthy, get enough sleep, and exercise. There is no better way to replenish yourself.

Building a healthy relationship with any child is a valuable addition to the world. Treasure your contribution.

For those of you wondering when I was going to post again, here it is. With summer ending and school starting I was having trouble getting everything taken care of and unfortunately the blog took the hardest hit. During the preparation for school, I realized that I had been really disorganized and lenient with my home. The house was a mess and the kids were cranky and bored. I decided to start again. We needed a routine and organization. Even children without mental health issues need routine and structure, but children with mental health issues REQUIRE it without question. One of the hardest problems with Reactive Attachment Disorder is a child’s inability to self regulate. This means they need outside stimuli to set clear expectations and to encourage correct behaviors. So needless to say our summer lacked this and we were suffering. Many people see routines as simply alloting time to certain tasks. That is the idea, but personally I don’t like every minute to be filled. I like a little flexibility. Basically I have a morning routine, an after school routine and an evening routine. Routines can be hard to set up, but here are some tips that I found helpful.

• Routines need to be written. For children who can’t read, use pictures, shapes or colors. Mostly routines are written as a reminder of what should be happening.

• Everyone should be involved in the planning of the routine. This way everyone’s “needs” can be acknowledged and they will feel more empowered to maintain the routine. Explain that a family is like a machine and we all work better when everyone does their part.

• Come together with a cooperative attitude. Make your expectations clear, such as “I expect ___________ to happen every day.”  Use your contributions to the home such as food, laundry, etc. in showing them that it is a system where everyone contributes. For example, “In return for me preparing dinner, I expect you to do the dishes.”

• Use everyone’s strengths. For example, my daughter loves the cat. One of her expected contributions is that she feeds the cat and cleans the litter box. She doesn’t mind doing it because she realizes how it helps the cat that she loves. If there are tasks that no one enjoys then put them on a rotation so everyone has to take a turn.

I have copied our after school and dinner routine here.

Our morning routine is different and it involves music. I am still working on it to tweak some of the imperfections so I will post it later. Evening routine is really simple. I give a 5 minute warning that bedtime is approaching. After 5 minutes it is “jammie time” and then they brush their teeth. If they do this then I reward them with “quiet time” and we read a book together. This extends their bedtime by 30 minutes. So basically to do this you simply assign a bedtime 30 minutes before you really want them in bed and then the 30 minutes allows thier minds to relax and prepares their bodies for rest. It is a win-win situation.

I know that when people told me to make my life a routine I was hesitant. I didn’t want to feel tied down. Then I started it and found that it actually gave me more freedom. Time that was spent nagging my kids was now free time. My kids knew what I expected and they knew the consequences of not doing what they should do. I didn’t have to threaten or bribe them. It was all clear. They began to say things like,”Mondays are clean room days, but they are also screen time days.” They saw the rewards and consequences without reminding and we all became habitualized. Life runs smoothly and everyone knows what is coming next.

chore-chart.doc

Today at my weekly therapy appointment I came to a realization. I really care too much about what other people think. I have had this realization before, but again I see that I have more work to do.

I realize now that I must ignore the ignorant. These ignorant people pose as friends and family with well-intentioned advice for how I should parent my children. I can’t tell you how many times I have heard, “If my kid did that to me, I would kick their butt.” or “You just need to give her some tough love, etc” Not only are these comments hurtful, they make me doubt in my own abilities. I begin to worry that I am a bad parent. Then I take a deep breath and remember that my child is different. A spanking or tough love will not change the behavior. In fact, it will likely make the behavior worse. Children with RAD are programmed that the world is not a safe place and “parents” are not to be trusted. Engaging in tough love practices will only reinforce those feelings.

I am not saying that RAD children should be allowed to run wild without consequences. I am saying that typical parenting techniques will not work to establish trust and attachment. Children with RAD look at themselves as unlovable. “Normal” children don’t question their parents’ love, they know they are loved and do not question. When a “normal” child misbehaves and is disciplined, he/she doesn’t relate the discipline to being loved or not. A RAD child sees all interactions with a caregiver as a reflection of the relationship. So, if a parent yells or is unkind the child will question if the caregiver still loves them. They begin to question their worthiness. The RAD child doesn’t have the trust that their parents will always love them. Being harsh or unkind can undo weeks, months or maybe years of attachment building. A parent of a RAD child must be loving and kind in ALL interactions.

The ignorant people in our lives do not understand. They think if we respond with a soft voice or a loving guidance that we aren’t being “tough” enough. We are allowing our children to “walk all over us.” On the contrary, I tell them that I am putting the relationship first. I would rather my child know she is loved unconditionally than be on perfect behavior all the time. I will react calmly and lovingly. If I can’t, I will walk away because I know that in the long run I will be doing what is best for her. So next time I see those disapproving glares or have to listen to someone describe what I am doing wrong, I will remember that these people do not understand. They are ignorant to her individual needs, and I will choose to ignore them.

On a side note, if you are one of the advice givers, I have some advice for you. Parents who have children with RAD are stressed out. They are frustrated and if they appear to be “bad parents” it is only because they deal with difficulties you cannot imagine. Try to bag the advice and offer support. Tell them that they are doing a good job and that you know they are making good choices. Maybe even offer to watch their children for a day to give them a much needed break. Put away your judgements and just be there.

This site was created to offer information and support to people who have children diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD).  The intent is to bring hope, information and a deeper understanding for people who deal with this disorder.  The children who suffer from this disorder are difficult to understand and cope with, which brings a lot of frustration and heartache for their caregivers. As a parent of children with this disorder, I want to share my knowledge, my successes and my failures.